LifeWalking With MySelf
Like so many around me, Rona finally arrived and gained a foot hold in my body (and then the rest of my fam).
It’s not been fun and I’m grateful we’re all okay.
As I often find during these significant disruptions, it’s been a tough but rich time for soul work. I’d love to share a few snippets with you here as I LifeWalk with myself.
The first couple of days…
I stayed isolated and in bed feeling truly terrible… and accepting the loving and practical care of my husband… And I thought (and FB posted) “Wow! maybe this needs to be my new normal when I get sick. Stop, rest, allow others to look after me. Let go of all the “to dos” and all the kid caring responsibilities”. No more pushing through.
💡Yay! Lightbulb moment of new self-caring ways!!!
Day 3 - Not so fast SuperHero 🦸♀️
My 2 children tested positive 😞. I was grateful to be able to have snuggles again and to rest alongside my little one as he fitfully rested through the fever. His occasional “mummy, cuddle” murmurs before he drifted back to sleep, were delightful.
Yet this was the beginning of the “have tos” showing up in my head. No longer was I “protecting my family” by isolating. Now I had to juggle my needs with the needs of the others. That included the guilt of not feeling able to get downstairs to support my big teen girl, as she felt fell sick and feverish.
Now there was that old voice jumping on the loud hailer: “You HAVE to push through. Other people need you”.
And so the old pattern of putting others’ needs ahead of my own resurfaced with a vengeance. Matt testing positive turned the volume up even further, on “Step Up now Fiona”. That was despite him only having a very mild case and being very willing to continue doing most of the practical supporting.
Day 5 - Unbalanced
And what happened next was the biggest Lifewalking, soul working moment of all…
The world turned blurry, the room was constantly moving and I couldn’t get around the house at all without clinging on, breathing, stumbling and falling.
Medically, it was a secondary inflammatory process happening in my vestibular (aka balance) system kicked off by my very protective nervous system.
Soulwise? Rebalancing!
As I struggled to find the balance between caring for myself and looking after others, it wasn’t lost on me that I couldn’t find my balance (literally). It was so hard to let myself rest, recover and be nurtured whilst also feeling the pull to be the nurturer and do-er.
So here I am a week or so along now and still working to get my physical balance system back to rights and digesting the rich soul compost which has arisen over these last few weeks.
Every so often the overwhelm sets in with all the “to dos” which haven’t got done and all the knock on effects. I’m needing to hang out with those feelings too and rewrite the story of looming disaster which my judging self likes to whip up a frenzy about. And I need to remind myself that it’s okay to let go a few things. I can just pick up the bits and pieces when it works (eg yes we do need to get onto schooling choices and the next steps don’t have to be too complicated).
So that’s really what I meant when I said “LifeWalk with Myself”.
I define lifewalking is companionship for the messiness of what’s showing up in life presently. So lifewalking with myself was simply me companioning myself as I grappled with how to balance life… my limits, my capacities, my doubts and my criticisms.
I’m grateful to have learnt tools and developed internal resources to lifewalk with myself and I’m relieved to have fellow-travellers alongside me.
How are you being a gentle companion for your-self at the moment? If you’re needing a bit of nurturing from outside… I’ve got a few treasures for you: