Magic Powers!
You know the magic of “the not parent”? It’s that magical power which gets your children willingly doing things that other people tell them to do! I’ve got that magical power… but only with YOUR children, not my own. Seriously though, we weren’t ever meant to be raising children in siloed houses, one or two adults doing all the work to create balanced, thoughtful, happy humans. We need the village and it’s not because we’re doing a crap job. Far from it! The adults I engage with every day as part of my job and community life are dedicated, mindful, creative parents showing respect, patience, kindness and calm with their children. So why is it not enough?
The reality is, that we all give and get different things from different people in our lives and that’s a good thing! No parent can or should be providing everything their child needs. It’s healthy for us to have a broad community around our families (what would historically have been the extended family together in the village). I’d like to tell you 2 stories from my own day today to highlight a bit of what I’m talking about.
Shortly after 5 today, my 16 year old asked if she could head over to a younger school friend’s house to give her a hug because she’s had a tough couple of days. As she headed out the door she commented to my partner, “I’m just off to be big sister”! My heart glowed as I called out “be home by 6! Don’t have your headphones up too loud, you need to be aware of your surroundings!”. I knew that my daughter was going over not because her friends’ mum isn’t great or her brother isn’t fine (“he’s just a teenage boy”, my daughter says!). It’s that in that moment, this friend needed a slightly older friend who could play the big sister role. Perfect! What’s wonderful as well, from my POV, is that my daughter wouldn’t have known about her friend’s need, had they not been part of a virtual community of school friends who stay connected when they’re apart. For all my concerns and battles with miss teen about getting offline more, I have no doubt that having a virtual village kept her from going insane this year and I’m committed to the ongoing conversations with her about how to use technology in a balanced, healthy, life giving way.
Which takes me back to this morning, when my toddler could NOT let go of his determination that he did NOT want me to bring his books to the osteopath for my appointment. He screamed and cried the whole 25 minute journey for me to go back home and put the books back inside. He struggled and shouted as I carried him along the street and into my osteopath’s beautiful little concrete garden. And as I dissolved into a stream of tears, done with holding it all together, my osteo appeared with a couple of toys, having heard us coming and wanting to be there to help us through this tough moment. My little one would have none of it, and headed towards the passageway and the exit. My osteo jumped in, told me to sit for a breather and gently followed my toddler, who collapsed in a heap on the floor, realising that he wasn’t going to be able to make an escape but that he wasn’t going to be forced inside hurriedly either. Once I’d regrouped, the 3 of us sat together on the concrete floor as we supported me and my little one back into balance so I could have the treatment my body was needing and my boy could keep on being himself. My deep gratitude for my osteo who “got it” and was there for me in that moment not just to treat my body in a kind of transaction, is immeasurable. That’s the kind of village I’m talking about.
To be honest we parents probably need a village even more than our children and we need the village FOR our children! Our children need the “slightly olders” around them to look up to. They need the cool “aunties and uncles”. They need people who “get them” in different ways to the ways we do. And they need to know that we are here for them to be their messy selves when they come home to their safe place. I’ll just pause for a moment to acknowledge: I know I’m speaking about healthy families here and I know there are many many situations where home is not a safe place for the children living there. I guess that just makes me even more determined to stop the trend towards family silos, keeping to ourselves and then mindless social media scrolling. My vision for my life in general and for Virtually There specifically is to continue to build meaningful, healthy, creative connections with my local and virtual communities based on care and respect not simply on the provision of services, transactions and obligations.
Now, back to what I was saying about villages and that magical power! It has been one of the things that has surprised me the most as I’ve been working virtually with children this year, that one of the greatest benefits children and parents have experienced is that there is SOMEONE ELSE telling their child what to do. I’m under no illusions that it’s because I’m better at it than their parents! No, it’s that when you shift the dynamic and introduce others into your village the patterns of relating and behaviour automatically shift. Some breathing space is created. New possibilities emerge. Members of the household get to see and experience each other in a new light. Parents get to enjoy hearing their children engaging and being their incredible selves, without having to DO all the managing, guiding, listening, supporting and redirecting…. And the benefits are enormous. I’ve so loved that element of my work this year where I get to be virtually there in homes rather than working with children in schools separated from their life’s context.
So whether you’re inviting people into your life face to face this December or connecting virtually through the incredible power of the technologies we have in our everyday lives, I hope you can enjoy the “magic” which happens when you gather your village around you.
Photo by Garidy Sanders on Unsplash