Being the Parent you want to be - LIVING your values

In this post, written last week, I reflect on living your values as a parent. Better late than never!!

Today when I dropped my 3yo off to kinder for the start of Term 2 I had to battle my inner critic telling me all kinds of messages, so I could get to the core of why I was doing what I did this morning.

Why?

Because, after saying hi to the teacher, helping their child with their drink bottle and lunch box, and saying goodbye to their little one,  all the other parents drop their child at the kinder door.

Me and my child?! We do all of the above and then I go into the room with him clinging on to my hand and we start orienting to the space and how he might inhabit it.

 Some of the voices in my head were:

• Helicopter parent!

• Maybe you're causing his dependence and anxiety by being too emotional, giving him the message he's not okay

• Look at all the other kids and parents. They're doing great! It's so easy for them. Drop and run. All smiles. No nerves…

• I'm not supposed to be doing this.

• The teacher disapproves of what I'm doing*

• What do others think?

• Is this really helping SJ to be more settled?

 As I left kinder, opening the big tall gate, with a tear holding back behind my eyelids, I paused and breathed for a moment, acknowledging how big it feels for me to leave my child, knowing the uncertainty he has about it… I saw clearly what my choices REALLY meant. Put simply - this morning I chose to act the way I did because I am determined to live my values and be myself, regardless of the expectations of the system I am engaging with.

 In practice what did that mean?

• I chose to go into the room even though it's "against the (unspoken) rules" because I think the safety and security of my little person is more important than what the teacher might think or the system's expectations*.

• I chose to go into the room because he asked me to.

• I chose to go into the room with him because I have a really strong belief in the important connection between home and formal learning environments.

• I chose to go into the room because involvement in my children's worlds and connection with people in general is a core value of mine.

• I chose to be explicit with the teacher about SJ feeling uncertain but okay and that we had agreed and set a timer for how long I would be staying for so she could see my process.

• I chose to go into the room because I heard the fear and uncertainty behind my little boy's words as we drove to kinder and he said "Today, I want you to go get a coffee like you did before and then come straight back". I explained that I was planning to go to do my work today, not to get a coffee and for him to have his whole time at kinder AND that if something big happened for him his teacher would definitely give me a call to let me know. He let me know that "sometimes he feels sad at Kinder" and so we took a moment to talk about it being okay to be sad at kinder, what he can do if he's feeling sad, and a reminder that usually when he gets sad, after he has his big feelings the sadness passes.

• I chose to go into the room because I want to rock the boat a bit and not just prescribe to what I'm supposed to do. I'm keen to see how far the system is willing to stretch to fit the needs of our family because lord only knows I've got some regrets about not listening to that voice and not acting on my intuition with our first child (now 16).

 Why am I sharing this with you all today?

I'm sharing my thoughts, feelings and process with you today because I think it's VITAL that we as parents keep LIVING OUR VALUES and showing up for our children to support and barrack for them, regardless of the SYSTEM'S expectations or others' judgements. Despite what my inner critic wants me to believe, (ie. that it's a bit arrogant of me to imply I did the "right" thing and that what I'm writing might come across as judgemental of other’s choices), I want to encourage you to reflect on how you LIVE YOUR VALUES. You might well have completely different values and motivations to me and I'm definitely NOT saying that every parent should want to go into the room with their child. What I am saying is that when we act out of our own inner knowing and what we feel is right for our child (and for us) we are creating more of the world we want them to inhabit.  We are teaching them valuable lessons about their agency, that their voice matters, that systems are there to serve us, not constrain us… Ultimately we are teaching them with our actions, the things WE think are IMPORTANT.

 So I encourage you to take a moment today, to think about how you might show up more fully as yourself to support your family or yourself this week and to live more in alignment with your values? And if you'd like to chat with me about a parenting challenge you're currently facing shoot me a message and we can line up a time to connect.

* NB: My experience of the kinder and teacher have been positive, so this post is NOT about them. It's about me, my beliefs and how that plays out in the formal educational system.