Pausing to Really See Our Children

𝐇𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐩𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐚𝐦𝐚𝐳𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐧?

It's so tough to do when we're so stretched and under resourced in lockdown in Melbourne right now. And yet this morning I was reminded of how important it is.

This morning I was working away at my computer when I looked up and saw the beautiful sunrise. I waited a minute or two desperately trying to finish the one thing I had to do, before I headed outside with my cuppa. I missed the most intense moment of the sunrise with it’s most intense pinks, oranges and yellows. As I sat there listening to the birds, nestling my warm cuppa in my hands, watching the sunrise unfold and dissipate, I was reminded of how important it is to pause. For ourselves and for our children.

Why? Because otherwise we miss opportunities to be fully present as our children grow and develop. And no this isn’t some “mother guilt” inspiring, you should be doing better post. Or some naive, unrealistic parenting meme. It’s a reminder (to me as much as to you) that taking a pause for a moment when we can, means we get to participate more fully in the wonderful, joyous unfolding of our unique humans.

Should we be aiming to do this 24/7? Hell no! In fact research has found that even children who have formed secure attachments, the parents/primary care-givers are only attuned to the baby about 30% of the time. What is important is that we respond to our children’s needs and when mismatches occur the caregiver repairs them. It creates a flow of attunements, mismatches and repairs to create connection and reduce stress. And of course the needs of a newborn baby are entirely different to those of a 3 year old or a 16 year old (the ages of my children). My 16 year old needs a lot less of my attention than the 3 year old and yet I can see how this pattern of attunment, mismatch and repair is vital to maintaining a strong connection with her.

And do you know what? Simply by being present with our children we are supporting them to identify the different emotional states in their bodies. By being with them while they feel emotions and have experiences, they learn how to BE. That is they learn self-regulation in two important ways: “autoregulation”, which is self-soothing or using your own internal capacity to manage feelings; and “interactive regulation”, where others support you to regulate your feelings.

Makes sense, right? If we can dedicate just a few minutes in the pandemonium to pause and SEE our children, then we get to see all the colours of their being and doing, just like I got to experience with the unfolding sunrise this morning. From the brightest, most intense colours, through to the least colourful moments. None, in and of themselves are better than the other, they are all just moments we get to share with our children. But if we don’t stop to see them, then it can just all turn into a non-descript greyness, like I can see out the window of this now cloudy Melbourne morning.

Which brings me to my last point. Being attuned to and present for our children is IMPOSSIBLE if we aren’t giving OURSELVES those moments to attune. This morning as I sat there for 10 minutes watching the sky unfold, breathing, slowing down and listening to the birds, I connected with myself. I realised how much I am holding right now, with work, self-care, connection with my partner and community, and supporting my children with their very different needs. Some days I get stuck in a headspace of “race, race race, I’ve got so much to do. I can’t stop”. On those days I find myself checking facebook while my toddler is asking for my attention, not listening to my body’s basic needs like, “I’m thirsty”, and I don’t seem to be any more productive or end the day feeling calm and content. So, I’m reminding myself, and I want to remind you to take the pause in your day and realise that you can’t do it ALL yourself. It might be time to sit down with a cuppa and your support crew and figure out how you might create a bit more balance in the coming weeks.

https://www.developmentalscience.com/blog/2017/3/31/what-is-a-secure-attachmentand-why-doesnt-attachment-parenting-get-you-there

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/building-a-secure-attachment-bond-with-your-baby.htm