Maternal Mental Health, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness
Each year I watch October come and go and never quite connect with the public promotion of it being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. It's not because I think pregnancy and infant loss is not important. In fact I think that anything and everything to do with life and death should be talked about as often as we talk about the weather. It's just that for me, I have my own very personal connection to infant loss, and October is not a significant part of my cycle of remembering.
I was prompted this week to finish and send this post though, because this week is Perinatal Mental Health Week and so I think it’s super important to put a spotlight on supporting families who have or are experiencing pregnancy and infant loss. I wanted to take a moment to share a bit of my journey and to ask you to reflect on yours.
I'm guessing that for most, if not all of you, you have been touched by pregnancy or infant loss because it is estimated that 1 in 6 Australian women experience pregnancy or infant loss. As SANDS eloquently expresses, the death of a baby is "a life-altering experience whose shockwaves reverberate amongst the many communities that intersect with family life – entire neighbourhoods, schools, workplaces are affected by this tragedy". This deeply tragic life-altering experience became mine in July 2012 with the death and still birth of our precious second child. Prior to that time, I had known friends devastated by miscarriage but had little understanding of the death of precious babies and the subsequent impact on families.
Although Harry, our 2nd born, lived only a short life entirely within the comfort of my womb, he has had a profound impact on who I am today. I am deeply grateful for the incredible support I received from family, friends and very, very dedicated and skilled professionals who gave me the permission and tools to grieve in my own way and time. It was only after 3-4 years that I could see what a gift Harry's little life had been to me. Before that it was too raw, too dark, too devastating to see any good in it. It is only in this last year that I have finally completed a commemorative book and the story of Harry's little life.
My encouragement to you, whether it is your own personal experience of infant loss, or that of someone close (or not so close) to you, is to allow and acknowledge grief, and to accept the support and empathy of the greater community. When we allow rather than suppress the full expression of our feelings following a loss, we are "better able to cope with the challenges of adjusting to life without" our loved ones. (SANDS)
If you know someone who has had a baby or child die, I can't and won't tell you what you SHOULD do (I'm not an expert). Instead I will share my own experiences and what I learnt during the "Deathwalker Training" I undertook with the Natural Death Care Centre.
A few things I found helpful (and others who I have journeyed along the same path with):
Acknowledge the loss in REAL words (if you can't find your own words the most commonly used is "I am sorry for your loss").
Respect that different people have "a diversity of spiritual, religious, cultural and scientific beliefs."
Speak about the child, use their name, speak about the feelings and listen, listen, listen.
When speaking about it brings tears to the grieving parents' eyes don't say "sorry for upsetting you", instead something like "thank you for being vulnerable with me today. I'm fine for you to cry anytime". Crying is what we SHOULD do when we're sad. Allowing them to feel in front of you is precious.
Be present and listen (to words and non-verbal cues) to understand where the grieving parent is at. Being in deep grief doesn't exclude having other emotions. I did lots of laughing during and after the days of Harry's death and birth. That didn't mean I wasn't dealing with it or I was "over it". It was just that life continues and feelings continue.
DON'T EVER EVER EVER SAY ANYTHING TRITE OR BASED ON YOUR OWN BELIEFS. It is NOT your job to try and interpret or make sense of the loss. Things NOT to say:
Everything happens for a reason.
Some good can be found in even the worst situations.
They're in a better place now.
You'll get over it.
You can have another child or you already have X precious children.
At least they didn’t suffer.
Check with the grieving parent if they are okay or not with having other children/babies come along. For some seeing other children/babies is deeply triggering, for some it is hard but okay.
Instead of asking "what can I do", offer something practical and let them say yes if they want to: eg. "can I cook you a meal" "would you like to go for a walk together" "can I help you in your garden".
Knowing that others are grieving too is helpful so long as you are taking 100% responsibility for your own feelings and not asking the grieving parent to engage with you about it. The idea of Circles of Grieving contained in this article explain what I mean in more detail. https://unexpectedfamilyouting.com/2019/01/01/know-your-circle-using-ring-theory-to-support-those-grieving/
Remember and acknowledge the main anniversaries (birthday, death day) eg: "thinking of you today as you remember Harry". For me it is usually hardest in the lead up to Harry’s birthday, so actually hearing for people, “I know Harry’s birthday is coming up” is wonderful.
If you would like to read my full story of Harry's life, death, birth and farewell, please get in touch info@virtually-there.com.au. It still feels a bit too vulnerable to publish it for ALL the world to see but I WOULD love to share it with anyone who is interested.
And if you'd like to chat with me about Harry's story or your own experience of infant loss please get in touch.