Back to School!
How are you feeling about the kids returning to IRL school tomorrow (if you're in that position)?
Probably pretty elated! We're long overdue for some time and space where we're not juggling all the balls, all the time all at once.
Possibly a little bit of anxiety about how they might deal with it, about them staying safe and feeling safe, and tending to all the things that school requires.
And for some parents, they might actually feel quite torn because they've really enjoyed the new found rhythms of lockdown life and home based schooling.
My wise friend, Nicole also reminded me in a post this week that there's probably a slow road ahead "re the mix of exhaustion, recovery and both positive and negative emotions after restrictions ease. Especially if there are expectations (real or perceived) of feeling better immediately." I certainly had to do a reset this week when my toddler returned to occasional care and I expected a greater immediate positive result for my mood. It's likely to be an ongoing road!
How are your kids feeling? Have you asked? Have they told you? And what can you expect from them as they return to school?
A rollercoaster of emotions, some of those pretty extreme behaviours you've become used to in lockdown. With a 3 yo and a teenager in the house I'm coming to see that many of the big feelings older kids express are not that different to the toddler tantrum. And they come from a place of overwhelm, where they're unable to keep up with the demands of the world around them so their emotions just explode. When those behaviours do show up, the challenge for us as parents is to look behind the behaviour to see the needs our children are expressing through it, and to offer them a listening ear to express all those big feelings that have been bubbling away. This is no easy feat when as adults we are stretched to capacity, and to be honest much of the time we wish we could be kids again so we could have tantrums too!
In my reading and own parental journey I'm constantly learning how important it is to remain open to the big feelings of my children. I'm seeing that when I allow the feelings and just be with them (not trying to stop, solve or manage them), we get to a place of understanding and connection, both between my children and I, as well as for my children with their own feelings. When this happens, our kids can come back into balance much sooner. They naturally calm and reset, ready to go on with their days. When I inadvertently or deliberately shut them down, the feelings get built up and are more likely to cause an explosion later. By the way, this is actually one of the reasons why children can have such huge feelings after a big day at school. They have been working to fit in to the social structures of school all day, subconsciously holding any negative emotions at bay. Then when they get home to their safe space, they suddenly explode with all the pent up feelings of the day. Usually it's not about the "NO" they hear to another cookie or extra screen time... that is just the spark that ignites the overwhelm to come to the surface.
As I write this blog, I can hear an internal voice saying... be real, Fiona, you have work to do here with your own family. My toddler has been back to his occasional care a couple of times now and my teenage daughter back to her VET class for the first time in months. Although I am proud that I was able to support my little one when he hit overwhelm at the care centre door (holding him tight and staying with him until he was ready to say goodbye), I realise I haven't had much conversation with my kids about how they feel about care and school.
What are they looking forward to? What are their worries? How can we support them?
I'm realising as I write, that some of what's happened is my own fear showing up. Fear that my kids won't want to go. Fear that it will be overwhelming for them and their big feelings will be too much. Fear that I'll have to hold a space I'm not capable of. So without even being conscious of it, I've shut some of the conversation down to contain the size of their feelings and to ensure the outcome I so desperately need (some time without my young people in my care). I know my response is normal and understandable, so I'm not going to beat myself up about that. I'd also like to keep working on having the internal resources and capacity to stay open to all that they are experiencing in the most grounded and open-hearted way possible.
Why is building up this capacity important to me and why do I want to share it with you?
If we are able to do this for and with our children, and model it to them, we'll be contributing to the next generation of adults who have a higher degree of emotional intelligence, fewer scars and wounds from their childhood, and all the benefits which come from that. Resilience, optimism, self-awareness, emotion regulation, efficacy (to name just a few).
So what can you do this week to support your children's return to IRL school?
Create a bit of space for you... Acknowledge how exhausting this pandemonium has been. Cut yourself some slack. Listen to your own feelings.
Create a bit of extra time and space for your family... Everything seems to be taking longer now we're not in the swing of things. So get organised early with lunches and gear etc. Keep calm when tempers fray and you're running late. It's so easy to lose perspective on what's important. Being a few minutes late is definitely better than everyone feeling flustered, upset and disconnected.
Ask your kids.... How are they feeling? What are they looking forward to? What are their worries? How can we support them? And if you're not finding they are open to these more direct questions... become the master of interesting questions. What was the funniest thing that happened today? Did someone really piss you off today? What did they do? What did you miss most about being around home today? Who might you be able to talk to about that at school..... The best questions are those ones coming from that authentic place of connection.
Be clear with your kids about what to expect going back to school. Are you going to be allowed to come in with them (probably not)? What can they do if they're feeling upset? Discuss that things might feel a bit weird or different to start with. If they're upset or clingy when you arrive at school, can you stay with them for a bit and listen to what's happening for them?
Keep it simple... For the next couple of weeks (at least), keep the routines clear and simple. Take as much off your plate as you can... so you have the best chance of having the personal resources you need to be there for your kids' big feelings.
If you able to, create space to bum and hang with your kids when they get home from school. They might not seem like they want to talk... That's fine, just be around, listen, play, connect. If return to school is proving difficult for your children, can you play "schools" or other games where power dynamics are at play, so they get to explore their feelings in the safety of home.
Be flexible (if you can). If they don't want to go to school on Friday (or for first period) is that okay? Can they ease back in gradually? If they're being given homework but you just want to focus on their social and emotional wellbeing, tell the school you're taking a break from homework for the time being and ask the teachers to be sensitive to this decision.
And I'll repeat it.... Create a bit of space for you! It's so tempting when you've got more time just to get busy busy busy, doing all the work, jobs etc. which have been so hard to focus on. But! You know it! Self care is vital! Give yourself a lunch break sitting in the sun. Have a cuppa and read a book at morning tea time. Take as long going to the loo as you want to because there's no-one there shouting out for you!
If you’d like some support in the coming weeks, please get in touch. I offer coaching for parents wanting a listening partner to help them navigate the challenges of parenting. And I offer after school clubs and program for children to support busy working parents.