The future, fears and an outbreath
Well… my sporadic ramblings certainly have been sporadic! I’ve had “write a blog” on my to do list for weeks now and well… here we are… and you know what, I’ve just opened my blog program and there’s an almost finished post from weeks ago… Does that give you a bit of an impression of what life’s been like? I know for many of you, it’s been much the same… I don’t know about you, my fellow traveller, but I’m whacked; spent; beached; fragged!!!
The Outbreath
So… next week I’m taking an outbreath and having a week off work!! No, I’m not telling you this so you can feel sorry for me or say “lucky for some” or whatever… I’m telling you because:
I love to chat so much that I can’t just put an auto reply out of office on my email.
making my commitment to myself public helps me to stick to it. 😁 But much more importantly…
I’m hopeful that by making this stuff part of everyday conversation, we normalise looking after ourselves, even when the demands never stop.
And you know what, it’s almost like this self-caring, self-knowing stuff is like a muscle we have to exercise. For many, if not most of us, we were taught to put others before ourselves and to focus on what we’re doing more than what we’re being. I’m grateful that I’ve learnt to notice all those voices in my head (and in the culture around us).
I’m wondering how it is when you hear your own thoughts?
Thoughts telling us: that we’re not allowed to stop when others are still struggling; that it’s selfish to take a break and carve out space for yourself; that we’ll never get anywhere if we don’t focus on the goals and outcomes; even if your body is saying stop that’s not always an option so we just have to push through.
I won’t lie to you… making that choice to “give myself a week off work” and then make sure I stick to it hasn’t been easy. There’s never a good time to stop: when things are busy; we’re in lockdown; I have a young children; work is insecure; people need my help etc etc etc. Thing is, even though I’m working to create my own way of working based on my best rhythms and ways, those voices of “go go go”, don’t stop are still there, and I still have that sense of “I can’t”, despite being my own boss.
What are the “I can’ts” you listen to, even though your employer (or whoever else you perceive as being in control of parts of your life), hasn’t actually made those rules explicit? What might be possible to make life better for you AND for your employer/family (fill in the blank), if you were able to work more to the rhythms which work best for you?
So, back to me and my “giving myself a week off” and fears and the future…
I’m wondering if you’re finding this too?
Because there’s been so much uncertainty, sudden changes and loss of freedoms over the last 18 months, I’m finding it hard to make decisions and commit to things. Almost like I just have to keep on the hamster wheel because at least I know that’s a safe place to be. I’ve also found it hard to take a break because I know families need help right now and I know my income is insecure, and I’m worried about “wasting” my time off cos I can’t actually get what I really want/need right now cos I’m “stuck at home”.
Yesterday, as I was contemplating my coming “week off” I suddenly realised that there was a voice in my head saying, “I can’t get what I need anyway, so it probably won’t really be worth it. Oh well, I don’t really have a choice… I just can’t keep going… I’m too wrecked… Hopefully what I CAN get is enough to keep me going until I can get a ‘proper holiday’.”
And then I was able to think about "what am I longing for? What do I really want?” You know, the realistic want/longing, not the solo trip to Ubud type of longing. And BAM there it was. Clarity! A few days to myself; a few days with my partner (without family responsibilities); and some quality time 1-1 with my teenager. The pre-schooler already gets plenty of me! And though I can’t get that stuff right now (no getting away from here), I can use that personal insight to shape up a week with intention. By doing that I’m likely to get more of what I’m wanting and needing. Definitely waaaay more than going into it with a “I can’t, so I might as well not look forward to it” vibes which would probably have me using what time I do have, scrolling and bumming, rather than reading, listening, gardening, journalling, crafting, spring sorting, exercising and “spongling" (my family’s version of pottering). First up, I’m accepting my partner’s generous willingness to hold the family fort, so I can hole up for a “bedroom retreat” tomorrow/night/Monday morning.
The Future
I know I’ve mentioned the paralysis we are experiencing with uncertainty around the future. Our collective weariness from being in and out of lockdowns this last 18+ months means we’re lacking the oomph to really look ahead and be purposeful about the changes which are approaching.
Depending on where you live, I know you’ll be experiencing different timelines and states of change regarding COVID. Regardless, we’re all experiencing that sense of life having changed and now mapping a path towards a “new normal”. I know, most of us can’t wait for that time to come… the freedom… the return to something more sustainable… to kids being back at school… to us having the space to at least attempt to keep most of the balls in the air some of the time… to knowing that even if COVID cases rise, the impact on our community will be diminished by our increased ability to manage outbreaks.
And yet, taking the valve off the pressure cooker will likely mean some built up steam will need to escape… and it might not look pretty.
I know many of you are feeling uncertain about the return to school for our kids. Some kids have already struggled to return to IRL school, have shown avoidance or reluctance… and some kids might show increased vulnerability for the first time. And that’s just the kids! Then there’s our uncertainty and nervousness about what’s safe. How will they go? How will we handle their outbursts, the big feelings, the meltdowns? How will we balance our need for connection, freedom and support, with our desire to manage the risks posed by the pandemic? How will we continue to shape our life to keep the changes which have actually been good and not just add in more busyness?
If you’re feeling that sense of overwhelm which comes with the combination of relief, uncertainty and dread, with the easing of restrictions, opening up of borders, return to school and work, I’m planning some community support sessions, starting the 14th October. Whether it’s:
A 1-1 Lifewalker session where I can companion you and support you exactly where you’re at,
Or a mini-workshop to get input on those big transitions and how to advocate for yourself or your child
Or a small circle of support to hear and be heard by fellow travellers.
I’ve got spots available. So if you want to be first in my diary, please shoot me an email now saying “I’m keen to connect for some possible support” and I’ll be in touch as soon as I land back at my computer in a week.
Phew… That was an especially long ramble… even for me… and a bit of an experiment…
I’ve been working with a gorgeous Grade 4 learner with their writing. They’re struggling to get the really great ideas they have out of their head and “onto paper”. One of the activities we’ve tried is “random thought” writing where you just write whatever you’re thinking, not trying to edit or correct yourself before you’ve even written it down. So, knowing how long it takes me to write and edit these blogs, I thought it was worth a try to see if I could apply a similar strategy here… At worst… I’ve just had a lovely journalling session… But thinking positively…
If you’ve read this far, then I really hope some of what I’ve written has resonated with you and encourages you to listen to what you’re needing most right now and taking those tiny steps to get a little bit of it.
TLDR:
I’m taking an outbreath and giving myself a week off work… I’ll see you on the other side!
Self-care and self-knowing stuff seems to be a muscle we need to exercise to enable us to live the life we really want.
We’re a bit stuck (at least here in Melbourne) in Groundhog Day and the fears of what to do/not to do can make it hard to DO and BE what we need right now.
Change and opening back up is coming and the release of the pressure valve can be intense for you and for your kids. I’ve got some support spots available from the 14th October for anyone wanting some support to unpack and digest the implications of return to school, return to work, return to the outside world.