Trying to NOT be affected…
Spoiler alert!!!
It doesn’t work!
Please Note: If you are currently in crisis with your mental health, this article is not what you need right now. Please reach out to a mental health first aid organisation (I've listed a few below) to support you with your acute illness. My experience of these services over the years is they offer really helpful and practical support and strategies, when you need immediate support.
The other day at the park I chatted to a mum who was holding back tears because managing the rollercoaster of life right now, is tough. She said she's trying not to let all the lockdowns etc affect her, but they just do.
I know that feeling... and I just wanted to give her a big hug and tell her it was okay to not be okay. That it was okay to acknowledge its effect on her. That it was okay to be herself in this moment and the next and the next… whatever it takes to do life as her.
That conversation the other day got me thinking a bunch about what happens when we try NOT to be effected by the things, internal and external going on in our lives. When you put a rational frame on it, it seems completely ridiculous to try to NOT experience our lives as they actually are. Let's flip on its head for a moment, that concept of trying to not be affected by the challenging things in our lives. Imagine how strange it would sound to say, I've just been on the most wonderful holiday and feel soooo relaxed and happy, but I'm trying not to let that effect my life. Bonkers, right? And yet they're both just part of a spectrum of feeling states in response to the experiences of our lives.
So why do you reckon we try to stop feeling the way we do? Why do we (mostly unconsciously) try to distract, shut down or otherwise fail to BE WITH all of our own, our children's, partner's or friend's challenging feelings?
I recently had a conversation with a mental health professional in which she said that many young people believe that their feelings might ACTUALLY kill them. The feelings are so uncomfortable and so big that they think the intensity of those feelings in mind and body are too much to handle.
You know what? I don't think this professional's experience and wisdom applies only to young people. Do you?
Somehow, we have absorbed a sense of shame around what we have collectively judged as negative feelings… that we shouldn't be feeling them… that there's something wrong with us for having them.
I have struggled most of my adult life to reconcile being a VERY feeling person and having grown up in a family where (with the best of intentions) I was told "tell yourself you'll be okay and you will be". And the impact of that narrative on my life hasn't been helped by the toxic positivity I experience, when pop culture simplifies MY complex relationship with feelings to, "choose your attitude" type memes. Thing is, many are truisms… but they don't help me at all. How about you?
Our habits of ignoring the way we ACTUALLY ARE and trying to suppress our feelings seem pretty widespread to me. If you haven't yet, I'd highly recommend watching the recent film about Gabor Mate's work, The Wisdom of Trauma.
I think the director's statement from the film summarises the impacts of our suppressed feelings really powerfully when they state:
"Individually and collectively we carry a backlog of pain that has never been heard because we miss narratives to help us share, witness and hold space for each other’s deepest wounds. We hold the vision of a society that can acknowledge the truth about shame and the pain of unmet needs that live quietly but widely among us. Trauma cannot always be conquered, fixed, or resolved, but it can be heard, held and loved.”*
So why is it so crucial to Stop trying to NOT be affected by what's going on around us, and start allowing all of our feelings?
I definitely don't pretend to be an expert in this or to have all the answers but I do have a few things to share which I've found important. I would love to hear from you about what you understand and see.
It's stressful to suppress… the energy it takes to try NOT to do or be something is exhausting and stressful. A while back a friend said, imagine how much more energy we'd have in our lives if we put all that energy we use to hide parts of ourselves, into BEING MORE of ourselves. Makes a lot of sense eh?!
The body keeps the score*. When we try to suppress how we're feeling, all those feelings get trapped in our bodies and show up in all kinds of weird and not so wonderful ways.
When I first started seeing my wonderful soul centred psychotherapist, she advised that what she thought I needed most, was help to literally DIGEST life. Digest it in my mind AND body. YES!! I had been told for years by various psychologists that I had really great insight into my stuff and that awareness was the first and most powerful step. But awareness wasn't enough to stop my chronic health issues because I needed to learn embodied ways to process the thoughts and feelings which were overwhelming me.Our relationships suffer. Trying NOT to be effected by stuff in our lives leads us to overwhelm and overload.
I don't know about you but when I'm in overwhelm it leaks out into my everyday interactions without me even noticing. There's nothing like my teenager coming up to me in my irritable, "trying to cope" moments, taking my hands, looking me in the eye and saying "Mum! Just breath". Now that's a powerful "deal with your shit" moment for me!When we acknowledge how we're REALLY going, we're more likely to be able to get our needs met. Firstly because when we allow our feelings to come to the surface we're more conscious of what's going on and we can make more self supporting choices. Secondly, it's harder for those mean voices in our heads to beat us up for feeling the way we are. Thirdly we're more able to ask for what we're wanting and needing. And finally, we are in a position for others to see and respond to what we're needing.
What might it look like in practical terms to ALLOW ourselves to be effected?
And what do we do to digest our big feelings?
Here, I'm sharing just a few of the things I've been taught and have found helpful. My hope is it's helpful for you too. I've found this overarching framework I learnt from my wonderful therapist really helpful, when dealing with challenging situations: FEEL, SPACE, DEAL….
Feel - Acknowledge what you're actually feeling.
Space - Give yourself space so you can be with how you are.
Deal - Deal with the deeper internal stuff and the external context when you're ready.
FEEL
Tell it like it is! To yourself… to those close… to strangers at the park (not in a creepy way, just in a "how are you today?" "Pretty crap" kind of way!).
Stop yourself from overlaying positive platitudes unless they FEEL genuine eg. "I'm struggling with Locky D but at least the sun is shining".
And that too! Feeling ALL the feels… acknowledge it and say “and that too". For example, feeling angry and sad about the lockdowns? Then you realise you are grateful for living in a loving community? They don’t have to cancel each other out… You can feel ALL of them with an “and that too” attitude.
SPACE
Take a short breather - When uncomfortable feelings take over, I often go into distraction land, or tell myself I'm too busy. I'm learning that even just a 2 minute breather can help move things. Eg. 4, 7, 8 breathing technique; a moment of mindfulness; stepping outside; putting on the kettle.
Just retreat a little - If the situation you're in is too big for you to handle right now, retreat back to your safe haven to create enough room to be with your big feelings. Sometimes that might be an external retreat, like switching off the news for a bit because the weight of the world is just too great. Sometimes that might be an internal retreat, like containing your sadness while you're dealing with your toddler, until you have the space and capacity to open up to your full expression of feelings.
Get support - I know in the early days of working with my big feelings, sometimes they WERE too big for me to feel safe to handle on my own. So if you're finding you can't hold your challenging feelings by yourself, reach out… to someone you trust to hear you and hold you. That may be a family member or friend, or you may want or need a professional to help.
What do I have capacity for today? A mentoring associate of mine shared this simple question earlier this week, which is so potent in its simplicity. As I’ve spiralled in and out of overwhelm this week, I’ve used this as a guiding beacon… do I actually have capacity to do that task now? No? Can I let it go? No? Then what else can I let go? Hey, this question is the reason why I’m only hitting publish today rather than last Monday on this post!
DEAL
Deal with your internal landscape - FEEL the feelings in your body… close your eyes, notice how your body is feeling, where you feel it, what thoughts are coming up. Be curious and courageous in allowing all that IS… Not trying to change it… just noticing what's there.
Digest the feelings to allow yourself to come back into balance. Some of the ways I've learnt to digest my feelings are: tapping, art therapy/drawing, movement/walking, voicing them to myself or others, journalling.
Finally - dealing with the external. Once we're back into balance it's much easier to see creative possibilities for changing our external world. Perhaps we can let go of some to dos. Perhaps we can have a calm conversation with our partner about what triggered us. Perhaps we can be clearer with our kids about what our limits are.
What are the ways that YOU acknowledge, express and digest your uncomfortable feelings?
How will you ALLOW yourself to be effected this week?
Woah! There's so much in this topic that I'll do a future post about how we show up for other people's big feelings. And yes, I am a strong believer in the need to “fit our own oxygen mask first”.
Resources & Links:
*The Wisdom of Trauma - https://thewisdomoftrauma.com/ featuring Dr Gabor Mate, 2021
*The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Dr Bessel van der Kolk, 2015
Mental Health First Aid Services:
Lifeline on 13 11 14
MensLine Australia on 1300 789 978
Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467
Beyond Blue on 1300 224 636
Headspace on 1800 650 890