Walk a Mile
Do you know where the old adage, walk a mile in someone else’s shoes actually comes from?
According to grammarist.com*, it almost certainly comes from a 1895 poem by Mary T. Lathrap**. It was originally called Judge Softly, which seems particularly apt given that the admonition is to put yourself in someone else’s shoes before judging them. I came across this information recently as I was planning for my upcoming “Walk a Mile…” workshops. It’s also been on my mind as I’ve witnessed the intense judgements and relational fractures appearing in the centre of COVID conversation… in particular about protests and vaccines. I’m definitely NOT going there in this article because it’s not the point today!!***
What’s on my mind today is about “judging softly” and what we might need, in order to have a chance at LIVING that title!
Throughout my adult life I’ve witnessed a consistent pattern which arises when people are most under pressure. The pattern, despite us thinking it should be otherwise, that we become even MORE judgey of others when we’re under strain. Even in times when the fairy tale version is perfect bliss… I’ve seen both my own and others’ judgey-ness grow when the pressure mounts. The relationships between us get fractious and we head into head butting, black and white land. Think about some of the big times I’m talking about… stress and judgey land… am I right?
Weddings ✔️
Moving house ✔️
Holidays ✔️
A disagreement with your partner ✔️
Pregnancy and birth ✔️
Illness ✔️
Death and dying ✔️
And this judgey-ness and stress seems to arise regardless of whether the “thing” is perceived as a happy/sad event or something you have much/little choice over.
So what do you think causes us to lose our ability to “judge softly” when the pressure mounts?
For years I’ve recognised that comparison and labeling others who don’t fit our version of “normal”, is human nature. “Othering”**** is just what we seem to gravitate towards. We have a tendency to want to categorise things, people and experiences, so that we can make sense of them… black and white, good or bad, right or wrong. But it is only in more recent times that I’ve REALLY understood that the ability to judge others softly is MAINLY driven by our internal landscape. Through journeying into my own inner landscape (recognising the different “selves” within), I’ve come to recognise the source of my harsh judgements of others. I have the most intense “inner critic” who, when I let her have the megaphone, blasts me soooo loudly, with all the criticisms and judgements of my failings, that it is deafening and deadening. It’s no wonder then, that when I’m under pressure, feeling vulnerable or threatened by whatever intensity is prevailing in my life, that I become a harsh critic of others. And try as I might to be more tolerant of others, accept diversity and difference, recognise all the ways in which I unconsciously engage in so many “isms” (hello unconscious racism!), I have become aware that it’s impossible. That is, impossible without doing my own internal work.
That’s why I’ve come to reject the admonitions of my protestant upbringing to put others before yourself, turn the other cheek etc”. I’ve recognised that I need to put MY needs front and centre and do MY work, so that I can live a life in connection with othes. Rubbing up against theirs and my edges. Finding our way to understanding. Recognising, “that two people with the same information, can make two completely different choices and neither of them is right or wrong.”*****
And I’m not here to say business done! Tick that one off, I’m there! Far from it! In terms of judging myself and others harshly it is and I’m sure will be, an ongoing journey of life…
What I’m talking about is what becomes possible when we “walk a mile” in our own shoes.
I’ll share two recent stories from my own life so that walking a mile in our own shoes so you get a tangible sense of what I’m talking about:
Years ago I used to joke that I was going to go to the body shop and get a full body replacement cos there were just too many things wrong with this body. Whilst it was a funny quip, it spoke to a deeper, uncomfortable truth about my relationship with my body. That I thought my body should just perform on queue, and that when it didn’t I felt frustrated, helpless and hopeless. Over the years we’ve (my body and I) been on many journeys of discovery from birthing my 3 beautiful children, to living with chronic illness, and being part of the cycles of life and death. It is only very recently that I have found my way to engaging in a new conversation with my body. One where I’m asking her with curiosity and gentleness, “body, what are you trying to tell me”. I know it sounds a bit weird but it’s so brilliant to see my understand grow as I judge softly the messages of discomfort and pain my body is giving me.
Last week I recorded and tried out the visualisation/meditation I have written for my upcoming workshop. In it I invite participants to welcome a part of themselves who they find difficult to love/accept. And simply to spend some time with this part, seeing, sensing, feeling what is there… And then presenting them with beautiful slippers crafted especially for them. I chose my inner critic, a well known part of my inner landscape who I’ve been aware of for a long while and been working ON in different ways. I’ve been: trying to dismiss her; trying to shut her down; trying to understand why she has come or where she has come from; standing up to her; turning down her volume… And as I journey further with her being part of me, I continue to deepen and grow my understanding of THIS part of me and how I can walk a mile in her shoes.
As I grow my ability to Walk a Mile in the shoes of my OWN unwelcome, unloved parts, I begin to loosen the grip of the “othering” I do when I judge others harshly.
What part of yourself would you like to start a conversation with this week?
How might your ability to walk a mile in other people’s shoes, be increased by judging softly an unwelcome part of yourself?
As always, I welcome your comments and thoughts either publicly or send me an email!
*https://grammarist.com/phrase/walk-a-mile-in-someone-elses-shoes/ You can read the original poem here.
** https://jamesmilson.com/about-the-blog/judge-softly-or-walk-a-mile-in-his-moccasins-by-mary-t-lathrap/
*** if you’d like to join me in a supportive, open listening conversation about COVID vaccination I would welcome the opportunity. Just get in touch!
**** https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Other_(philosophy)
***** from a post circulating on FB at the moment, shared with my by Belinda Henkel, my wonderful midwife on 4 Aug 2021.