Being Ourselves in the Toughest Times
Well…. here we are in Lockdown 5.0 in Melbourne and seeing the worst outbreak in Sydney since the pandemic began, now spreading to other parts of Australia. And I know I’m not alone in being weary and wondering how we’re EVER going to get beyond this difficult cycle of uncertainty and constant adaptation. We’re definitely a resilient bunch but there’s no denying that the mental impacts of the pandemic are widespread and deep. I’m surrounded by it with my own family and friends, and I have my own long history with mental illness.
So I wanted to chat today about what it means to BE OURSELVES when times are tough, cos I see in myself and others, the tendency to drop back to old ways of contracting into unhelpful and unhealthy default patterns.
Patterns where we numb ourselves out to survive the bigness of it all.
What are yours?
Some of mine are:
the “gotta keep busy” patterns - where I’ve ended up with 50+ tabs open on my phone (trying to tick off a bunch of things which ALL suddenly seem urgent important).
the “ignore my body” patterns and berate it for giving me so much pain.
the “distracting myself” patterns where I scroll on SM or bum in front of the television even when that’s not what I really need.
the “eating comfort food” patterns.
the “unhelpful mindset” patterns where I future think everything and put a “I’m not good enough” lens on things.
the “helpless hopeless” patterns where I feel completely stuck and like there is NOTHING that will help me.
Many of these things aren’t unhelpful in and of themselves… hey, I love watching a good series with my fam and eat a homemade cookie. It’s that they become unhelpful patterns when I fall back on them because it’s hard to face my hard stuff.
When I feel ungrounded…
Thrown off balance…
Out of whack…
It’s just so hard to face ALL the thoughts, feelings and everyday tasks front on…
Yet, I’m reminded again and again, of all that I have learnt in the cauldron of deep loss and struggle. It’s hard to distil it down to simple “lessons”. Hey, the reality of our 3D, full colour, real life isn’t possible to condense into a simple set of “to dos”. Instead, I think we journey with an ever growing and changing landscape of wisdom, truth, learnings, and knowings to apply to our lives. If only we give ourselves enough time to slow down and re-member them. That is, bringing them to each moment, with presence and embodiment in THIS current day/time configuration.
Here’s a few of my learnings which are speaking to me at the moment:
I can’t do big life stuff alone. I need family, friends, community and professionals to support me.
If life’s throwing shitty stuff at me it doesn’t help to pretend it’s not shitty*. In fact in the hardest times, staying WITH the darkness and depths of it has been what’s got me through them with rich learning**.
When I’m overwhelmed, I forget what I need… If I can just stop for a few minutes and down regulate and figure out what I’m needing, the next steps seem much clearer and more possible.
If I stay open to ALL my feelings they WON’T kill me… Yes, I might be overwhelmed and it might be super intense AND I have tools I know how to use to down regulate.
Even in the bleakest moments, my human beingness naturally looks for joy and gratitude… So I attempt to slow down enough to notice those moments and let them actually sink in.
What I am living with IS BIG! Minimising it doesn’t help. Not that I want to run around like a manic, screeching about how tough it is… but when I accept and acknowledge what my experience IS, it’s so empowering.
So I’ll finish today with a question and a metaphor.
What wisdom, truth or learnings might help you in the coming week?
What’s one thing you’d like to do less of, to make room for something which you need more of? (whoops, sorry that was 2 questions!!)
And lastly, I’m constantly inspired by nature in what it shows about HOW TO LIVE A FULL ME LIFE! For example, the sunflowers in the image I shared have BEEN and WILL CONTINUE TO BE sunflowers, even when life is “tough” for them. Yes, they were all bright and shiny, perky and pretty when they were fresh… And when they age and wilt and begin to die they’re STILL SUNFLOWERS (and I would argue, have their own kind of beauty)! And though they change form when we have just the seeds left, they are STILL SUNFLOWERS (though the pedants may argue that they’re no longer sunflowers)…
So my lovely village, keep being yourself even when there’s those parts of you showing up which you find hard to accept.
Warmly
Fiona
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* I’d highly recommend a read of Struggle: The Truth, Beauty and Opportunity Hidden in Life’s Shittier Moments by a colleague, Grace Marshall. Such an antidote to the toxic positivity, quick fixes abounding at the present time. https://gracemarshall.com/struggle/
** I’m not talking here about the black dog darkness of depression because when we find ourselves in a place of mental unwellness we need to seek support and treatment just like when we have a more physical kind of illness so we can find our path to recovery.